Northside is a bar located in Buffalo near the college i used to hang out at. i only went there once, two years ago to use their wi-fi, and i still have pink eye. Northside is considered by many 21-and-under Buffalo college students to be *the* place to party on the weekends, and considered by me to be *the* place that i lost my will to live to see age 22. before i even got into the bar a ten year-old try to sell me molly while i was waiting in line and when i told him i don’t do drugs he said he was going to kill me.

in ten minutes at Northside, i saw a pregnant woman drinking tanqueray out of a garbage can, a group of girls Roofie-ing their own drinks, an Armenian kid making out with a bag of trash, a girl get kicked out for being 23, a homeless guy snorting broken glass off the floor, *several* white guys using the n-word haphazardly, a woman trying to trade her baby for a shot, a drunk guy in a toga trying to sell cocaine to a toilet, and an entire sorority all giving the same Rick Ross lookalike a handjob at the same time. and at one point i think the bartender went on break and everyone just had free reign of the bar. during my time there i only ordered one ginger ale and i was charged $400 dollars. when i told the bartender that she made a mistake she just looked at me and asked me if i cut my own hair.

also, TERRIBLE wi-fi connection. couldn’t even get any work done. 0/10.
do not go to Northside you will die.

are you sick of wearing a boring, simple striped or solid-colored necktie to the office everyday? maybe you want to impress the corporate big wigs by making a bold yet tasteful and professional tweak to your wardrobe. ***Lucas*** here with another fun white-collar fashion tip: don’t wear this Dilbert necktie that i bought online last December. i wore this piece of shit to a big job interview at Apple last month and would you like to guess how that went over? very well. they loved it. i absolutely SLAYED it. i got the job and i’ve been there for six months and i hate it a lot. they’re always asking me to “look over some code” because i told them i have coding experience, even though literally the only job i’ve ever had was at Boston Market and even that was an unpaid internship. also, this tie is Christmas themed so what am i supposed to do with it between the months of January and November, EAT it!!!™? EAT the necktie!!!?? here is one thing i’d rather have around my neck - a noose! that should give you an accurate idea as to how little i think of the necktie! 0/10 this is not a good tie. i don’t even like Dilbert man i think he’s a punk.

last weekend after i accidentally drove my car into the ocean i thought i would treat myself and go big - i found a beautiful 1996 Dodge Viper on eBay for THREE DOLLARS and couldn’t believe it. i purchased it immediately. imagine my disappointment when it came in the mail and i realized it was a TOY. i contacted the seller and insisted on a $100 refund and he claims “I made it perfectly clear I was selling a toy car.” well, Cardude1469, not all of us have the time to read an ENTIRE eBay item description. the picture should have made it clear you weren’t gonna send me a real car. your rudeness is outrageous. do NOT buy the 1996 Dodge Viper car toy. you can NOT drive this car. 0/10 just too small to drive.

get up, STAMP up, STAMP up for your rights! i know no one sends letters anymore but if you do, you know you gotta have a cool stamp on there. no one’s ever pumped to get mail and the stamp is just a president’s face or whatever. i got two words for you - HULK STAMP. you gotta get that INCREDIBLE HULK STAMP. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY and nothing upsets me more than getting mail without the Hulk on it! HULK SMASH all competing stamp designs, so don’t you dare send another letter without the Hulk on it. i feel very strongly about this stamp. 10/10.

i’m not picky about butters but the Tillamook brand is one of the biggest dairy based fuck-ups of all time. i had to eat 6 sticks of Tillamook butter yesterday for the filming of my new viral (hopefully) video “Guy eats a lot of butter” and guess where i spent my night? in the BATHROOM, PUKING. MOST LIKELY ON ACCOUNT OF THE BUTTER. next time i need to eat six sticks of butter i’ll be sure to give my butter money to Land-o-Lakes, thank you very much. don’t support the Tillamook brand. 0/10. worst butter.

p.s. to make things worse, “guy eats a lot of butter” had to be called off. i found out i’ve been banned from Youtube because i told some nerd his Dragonball Z AMV was bad enough that he was worth murdering.

i haven’t posted a review in a few days - my apologies! i had a 5,000+ word review of Turf Builder brand WinterGuard Lawn Fertilizer pretty much written and i accidentally ran over my laptop with my car so that’s gone but i am working on getting something new posted soon. in the meantime follow my new Tumblr.

how about this weather, huh? jeez Louise. it’s cold one day - you got your coat on - you’re shiverin’ - next day you’re wearin’ shorts. man oh man. it’s crazy this year. and these weathermen, they don’t know what’s going on. they’re telling you it’s gonna be warm and sunny, you go outside - it’s raining. holy smokes. crazy weather this year man. lordy lord… FUCK man. 0/10.

look Bangladesh, i respect you as a country and i think Bengali is a beautiful language and you export leather like a MOTHERFUCKER but your flag is a straight up aesthetic faceplant! you gotta fix that flag y’all! even Kiribati has a cooler flag and no one even knows what that is. the red-circle-on-green-background look is unappealing and the iStockphoto watermark is very distasteful. 0/10. your flags bullshit!

Eclectic Readers is a book club based out of my home city of Buffalo, NY and even though i know that after my last two posts everyone thinks i’m overly suspicious of any organized activity, i’m pretty sure it’s a sex cult. no evidence yet; more research still to come. i know there is more to this club than talking about books. 0/10 until i prove it’s a sex cult.

the UPS is supposedly a parcel service that has been united in some way but, while i can’t prove it, i think it’s some kind of secret sex cult. no one seems to have my back on this and mostly everyone has been telling me “ever since you went to Comic Con you think everything is a secret sex cult” but when i have a hunch it’s rarely wrong. i’ve tried to go undercover and get a job with the UPS to do some investigating from the inside but have not been hired because i have “an extraordinary criminal record” and i can only work Wednesday nights. i tried to get in touch with the UPS but they have been suspiciously elusive.

i haven’t wrapped up my investigation yet so until i do i can’t say anything with 100% certainty. it’s DEFINITELY a fuck-club though 10/10.