Lucas Reviews Everything

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Lucas Reviews the John Deere GX85 riding lawnmower

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the John Deere GX85 riding lawnmower has been my main source of transportation ever since i pawned my car a month ago and couldn’t find the pawn shop again. i’m not gonna waste any time here - the GX85 is a hunk of shit automobile. we’re talkin’ awful gas mileage and a ride about as smooth as sandpaper, a piece of heavy paper material not particularly notorious for being smooth. quite the opposite, actually. i don’t ask for much in a vehicle. up until i was 22 i got every where i needed to go by laying in a barrel and rolling in the general direction until i was there or until i forgot where i was going. but the GX85 tops out at 8.5 mph and steers like a bumper car, and bumper cars certainly aren’t known for their smooth steering. i’d venture to say they are actually notable for their poor steering, if anything. 0/10. waste of 50 bucks.

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Lucas reviews the Tiger Claw 12” black chain nunchucks

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yesterday i got stuck in a tennis net and bought these nunchucks online on my phone while i waited for the fire department to come. i’ve been meaning to buy a pair because my 5 year high school reunion is coming up and i need something to show my classmates that i grew up to be more than just “that kid who cried during sex ed.” we’ll see who’s crying when i show up swinging these babies around like a god damn Shogun warrior (and before any of you nerdballs says anything, i KNOW Shoguns do not use nunchucks. i am referring to a hypothetical Shogun who is wicked at nunchucks). the Tiger Claw 12” black chain nunchucks are easy to swing, and i’m tellin’ ya, these monsters do some real damage. if you’re looking to scoop up some nunchucks, either for combat or even if it’s just a status thing, Tiger Claw is your brand. my pair was confiscated by mall security because they found out i was charging kids in the bathroom $20 to hold them, but i’ve got another pair on it’s way and i’m ready to show the world the new me. 10/10 you got a fantastic pair of numchucks here.

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Lucas reviews the Fantasma Magic Kit

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recently i’ve begun to realize that it’s time to grow up and that’s why i bought this magic kit. “this is where the magic happens!” the Fantasma magic kit has all the tools you need to make some magic happen! we’re talkin’ magic rings, disappearing coins, magic coloring book, and that’s only three of them. i will admit that lately i’ve been struggling with some self-esteem issues but it’s hard not to feel good about yourself when you’re literally making a ball float in mid air. this is a great kit with some great tricks. this is where the magic happens! the Fantasma Magic Kit also comes with an instructional DVD although i personally have not figured out how to use it. 10/10. great magic kit; helped me rediscover my courage.

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Lucas reviews Ghost Costume (Halloweenexpress.com)

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as a big fan of the holidays, i’ve already got something picked out to wear for Halloween this year (and even all the other holidays too [a Frankenstein for Halloween; dress shirt and slacks for Thanksgiving; Frankenstein for Christmas]). if you want to go with something spooky this year, do NOT make the same mistake that the child Halloween costume model pictured above did. this costume is unoriginal and barely scares me, and plus i can see the kids shoes. ghosts do not wear shoes, they float terrifyingly. if you’re an adult and you’re planning on hitting up a cool adult Halloween party, leave the ghost costume at home. no one wants to party with a shitty shoe ghost. and if you’re a child who plans to come knockin’ at MY door, you better do better than this ghost costume because i will straight up slam my door in your face after i’ve made sure 100% that you’re not a real ghost. and don’t think for a second you’re gettin’ the invite into my party because MY party is for scary costumes only and that’s why everyone is required to be a Frankenstein. 0/10 this is a bullshit ghost costume. why is the ghost smiling

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Lucas reviews Northside (Buffalo, NY nightclub)

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Northside is a bar located in Buffalo near the college i used to hang out at. i only went there once, two years ago to use their wi-fi, and i still have pink eye. Northside is considered by many 21-and-under Buffalo college students to be *the* place to party on the weekends, and considered by me to be *the* place that i lost my will to live to see age 22. before i even got into the bar a ten year-old try to sell me molly while i was waiting in line and when i told him i don’t do drugs he said he was going to kill me.

in ten minutes at Northside, i saw a pregnant woman drinking tanqueray out of a garbage can, a group of girls Roofie-ing their own drinks, an Armenian kid making out with a bag of trash, a girl get kicked out for being 23, a homeless guy snorting broken glass off the floor, *several* white guys using the n-word haphazardly, a woman trying to trade her baby for a shot, a drunk guy in a toga trying to sell cocaine to a toilet, and an entire sorority all giving the same Rick Ross lookalike a handjob at the same time. and at one point i think the bartender went on break and everyone just had free reign of the bar. during my time there i only ordered one ginger ale and i was charged $400 dollars. when i told the bartender that she made a mistake she just looked at me and asked me if i cut my own hair.

also, TERRIBLE wi-fi connection. couldn’t even get any work done. 0/10.
do not go to Northside you will die.

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Lucas reviews the Dilbert necktie

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are you sick of wearing a boring, simple striped or solid-colored necktie to the office everyday? maybe you want to impress the corporate big wigs by making a bold yet tasteful and professional tweak to your wardrobe. ***Lucas*** here with another fun white-collar fashion tip: don’t wear this Dilbert necktie that i bought online last December. i wore this piece of shit to a big job interview at Apple last month and would you like to guess how that went over? very well. they loved it. i absolutely SLAYED it. i got the job and i’ve been there for six months and i hate it a lot. they’re always asking me to “look over some code” because i told them i have coding experience, even though literally the only job i’ve ever had was at Boston Market and even that was an unpaid internship. also, this tie is Christmas themed so what am i supposed to do with it between the months of January and November, EAT it!!!? EAT the necktie!!!?? here is one thing i’d rather have around my neck - a noose! that should give you an accurate idea as to how little i think of the necktie! 0/10 this is not a good tie. i don’t even like Dilbert man i think he’s a punk.

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Lucas Reviews the 1996 Dodge Viper (car toy)

last weekend after i accidentally drove my car into the ocean i thought i would treat myself and go big - i found a beautiful 1996 Dodge Viper on eBay for THREE DOLLARS and couldn’t believe it. i purchased it immediately. imagine my disappointment when it came in the mail and i realized it was a TOY. i contacted the seller and insisted on a $100 refund and he claims “I made it perfectly clear I was selling a toy car.” well, Cardude1469, not all of us have the time to read an ENTIRE eBay item description. the picture should have made it clear you weren’t gonna send me a real car. your rudeness is outrageous. do NOT buy the 1996 Dodge Viper car toy. you can NOT drive this car. 0/10 just too small to drive.

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Lucas reviews the Incredible Hulk stamp

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get up, STAMP up, STAMP up for your rights! i know no one sends letters anymore but if you do, you know you gotta have a cool stamp on there. no one’s ever pumped to get mail and the stamp is just a president’s face or whatever. i got two words for you - HULK STAMP. you gotta get that INCREDIBLE HULK STAMP. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY and nothing upsets me more than getting mail without the Hulk on it! HULK SMASH all competing stamp designs, so don’t you dare send another letter without the Hulk on it. i feel very strongly about this stamp. 10/10.

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Lucas reviews Tillamook brand butter

i’m not picky about butters but the Tillamook brand is one of the biggest dairy based fuck-ups of all time. i had to eat 6 sticks of Tillamook butter yesterday for the filming of my new viral (hopefully) video “Guy eats a lot of butter” and guess where i spent my night? in the BATHROOM, PUKING. MOST LIKELY ON ACCOUNT OF THE BUTTER. next time i need to eat six sticks of butter i’ll be sure to give my butter money to Land-o-Lakes, thank you very much. don’t support the Tillamook brand. 0/10. worst butter.

p.s. to make things worse, “guy eats a lot of butter” had to be called off. i found out i’ve been banned from Youtube because i told some nerd his Dragonball Z AMV was bad enough that he was worth murdering.